All personal dorkiness aside, I think there's a real draw to superheroes for a lot of people. We love stories, and we love seeing good triumph over evil in those stories. There's something so satisfying about watching a noble character fight tireless for the cause of good.
God has given me a huge passion for justice, a desire to see those oppressed liberated and those doing wrong convicted. Because of this (and because designing a costume and learning to leap from rooftop to rooftop is too involved), I am pursuing a career in criminal justice.
Here's the problem. God always gave me a soft, mushy heart. The kind of heart that weeps through Toy Story 3 and ridiculously cheesy marriage proposals in movies. While in those scenarios it's laughable, there are others where it's not so funny.
The darkest parts of the human condition and the things people are capable of leave me horrified and depressed. Afraid of what could happen to me, or people I love. Heartbroken for families who go through such horrible events. Disgusted by the extremes people will go to and unable to comprehend why. I want so badly to be brave and pursue justice, but often feel myself shrink away in despair any time news of a child abduction or senseless murder is heard.
My fear of the evil committed in our world sometimes makes me ask myself a hard question- if I can hardly handle hearing the news of such acts committed, how can I handle it's detailed case file? Or the family that have had to endure such acts?
I was sort of down about this last night, wondering how I could operate in a job with such heart wrenching subjects, and God brought this verse to me: "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but one of power, love and discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7)
Our world is very, very lost. And the capacity people have to hurt one another is truly horrifying. But, I know when I'm experiencing that fear, it's not from God. Fear is crippling and disabling- the exact opposite of God's desire for me. And the exact desire the Enemy has for my life.
I want to live with a spirit of power and confidence in God. Not so I can feel heroic or righteous, but so I can follow where God calls me completely unhindered by fear or doubt.
I'm not totally there yet. And even once God conquers my fear, I'll still have a sensitive heart. But as much as I hate it sometimes, I think God uses how easily I can be affected by things in our world. As much as I would love to have a thicker skin sometimes, I know I don't ever want to become desensitized or used to certain things we hear about every day.
I've gone back forth feeling called to a job in such a dark field, but then, I read this:
"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; not does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lamp stand and it gives light to all who are in the house." (Matthew 5:14-16)
2 comments:
I teared up in Toy Story 3 too!!
I know what you mean about feeling like you don't want to get desensitized to things that are scary or wrong...this is something that I have been dealing with and still dealing with at work. I think the fact that you are just aware that you don't ever want to be numb to that is huge. You sound like you are really passionate about this. I say go for it if it is something you want to do! You would be awesome at it.
<3 Julia
Ali, I love your heart! And I know God is going to use you for amazing things. :) He has already and it's encouraging to know that He's not done. I completely understand your battle with fear; it's something I struggle with a lot, just in a different capacity. I'm glad that God is speaking to you about this and encouraging you. I will be praying for you and asking God to continuously encourage you in your pursuits. Love you!
~ Ash
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